Being Organic (.Net)

Disneyland has been a fun family adventure this past week.  We work and play so well together as a family. Everyone stayed close.  No one got lost.  No one got upset.  We all got to voice what we wanted to do and made sure we did it.  There was only two rides Caden could not do, and fortunately his sister did not want to do either of those.  I am so impressed with my kids... they watch out for each other and are there for each other.  It is so sweet to see.   Disneyland itself was a mixed bag for me.  My critical mind had all sorts of judgments around resource use, the marketing of fantasy as 'dreams come true', corporate entertainment (the mix of entertainment, commercialism and consumption), how expensive everything was (2 ice creams bars for $8!  we bought very little), blah blah.   While my critical mind would pop up throughout the week, I was able to spend much of my time in more of an observer and explorer mind, which wondered at all the structures they had built, the sop...

My men's group started a weekly workout at the gym on Monday nights, and I've committed to join them for 3 months every week doing stretches, lifting weights, etc.  I can really feel it in my core!  In January, I started swimming and doing yoga every week.  Our trainer has encouaged us to work out at least 5 days a week, so I may be adding more to my routine!   On Tuesday I started stretching in another way. I met with business coach, Carolyn Campbell, and got some insights into some ways I operate as a businessman, partner and lover! Carolyn saw a patterns of 'caretaking' in my work and relationships.  Taking care of others seemed to me a natural result of caring about them, but Carolyn pointed out how that may translate into some patterns that don't serve my deepest desires.  There is a difference betweem caretaking and helping others learn better skills for taking care for themselves and living more fully.  This took me several days to fully understand as I consi...

What a great day... playing ping pong and swimming with Caden, enjoying the kids' first flight on an airplane, having lovely conversations with strangers at our hotel, and just relaxing.  At one point, I found myself contemplating the texture of a glass in my hand and enjoying the enhanced spectrum of light from the California sun.  I've been playing a lot more in the past several months, especially with my kids.  I like that.  But this week is ALL play.  We are down at Disneyland this week, keeping our promise to take the kids there after selling our home last summer.  And it feels great to be here relaxing for a long stretch of time.  I had even decided to leave my computer at home (upon my daughter's request), but Nicole insisted we bring it in case we wanted to look up area attractions.  I actually find writing both relaxing and enjoyable, and I don't usually make enough time for it back home, so I've enjoyed having it along too.  Besides which, I owe a friend a...

I feel powerless to help my friend.  I care about her so much, and she is suffering right now, but I live too far away to help.   It's only advice that she needs, and an ear, but we operate in such different context.  I don't know what to say!  I'm a pioneer exploring the new world of relationships, commitment, and fidelity.  And while I can't really know for sure, my friend still lives in the old world of monogamy-oriented relationships... what I think of as the 'ownership paradigm' of relationships.     My friend is wondering how my sweetie and I managed to stay together for 20 years with the kinds of struggles she is now experiencing in her own relationship.  Her partner just isn't feeling physically attracted to her right now (not feeling 'in love' either) and hasn't for a while.  I've experienced that for long stretches of time.  I think many couples have.  Because of the disparity in our sexual interest, I've practically been tr...

The funny thing about being organic is that our molecules are always rearranging themselves for a different mix, which often translates into a different mood... when we are not fixed on maintaining the mood we're in, it's amazing how quickly our outlook can shift... instant to instant.  I feel good this morning.  The sun is shining... yes, it's still spring out there.  My boy woke up crying, and my partner and I comforted him. He wouldn't tell us what was wrong, and we suspect he is upset that he wet the bed.  So much shame there.  I hates to admit it.  He prefers to say that he 'sweated'... a lot!  I suspect he feels ashamed because he is not in control of his body.  Because he knows that we don't want him to wet the bed.  We are gracious about it, but it's a mess we have to clean up so we always encourage him to pee before bed to avoid wetting it (our son drinks a lot of water).  "We don't want you to wet the bed" we say.  "I won...

Today was a perfectly dreadful day.   It did not rank anywhere near my harshest of days, but it was harsh enough. It was an example of how at time my relationship seems like the quintessential Gordian Knot of torture and suffering.   My partner does not want to hear anything about it. She knows I had a tough day. She could tell when I got home.   What's up she asks.   Just  a rough day, I say.   Kids?   No.  They're fine.  It was a good day for them. What then? It's just spring, I say.   What does that mean, she wonders.  It makes no sense to her, and of course it would not.  For me, spring is the hardest and most wonderful time of year... the time when I feel most alive in my body and most dead because of my partnership... the time when I am most aware of myself as a vibrant sexual animal, frisky and playful and ready to get down, to get it on.  And the time when I am most aware of all the beautiful people around me who are not interested in me because I am already partner...

I'm feeling sad right now.  My heart aches and I pine for a friend whom I would love to be more intimate with. But that is not where she is at.  I so want to reach out to my friend, yet I also understand that grasping in any form only pushes her away.  She has pulled back so much already for reasons I can only guess at, and the loss of her friendly banter feels like an open wound in my heart.   I  am tempted to run away from these feelings, to distract myself with work or sex.  I tell myself I am seeking to honor her, but I wonder if perhaps she simply wants someone who will pursue her more strongly.  What a difficult dance is love as engagement and detachment!   I do not know how to do it, other than through transparency, revealing who I am as authentically as I can.  I have sought to continue to be open to engaging playfully with life, to seeing other people, mostly to assure her I respect her choices, but I so want to grab her and shake her and tell her how awesome she is and ho...

I just read an interesting article that has got me thinking... Here is the article: http://onlinejournal.com/artman/publish/article_4274.shtml And my thoughts: We are paying 8% to the banks when our own family members can't even earn 5% on their investments -- and are more likely losing money. I wonder if communities should start pulling money out of the market and investing locally -- loaning their money locally / backed by real property of other people in our community. Bring the money back home before it is all siphoned off! Let me elaborate.... As an example. My sister has a house. Let's say she owes the bank $200,000 and is paying 7%. My Grandma lives in a retirement community, which she pays for off the interest on her investments. They used to bring in maybe 10%/yr. Now, they are losing money. And at the rate we're going, could lose a lot more. What if my Grandma 'invested' in my sister instead of the market. Even if my sister only paid Grandma 5%, ...

You ever get mislead then blamed for it? Like YOU did something wrong? I set up an outing with friends last night and invited my sweetie along -- both to enjoy her company as well as introduce her to some of my other friends. This is something she has expressed interest in for awhile -- getting to know more of my friends. At first, I was just going out on my own with friends to have supper and see a show. Then I realized I really wanted to include her too and for her to meet some of the other people in my life I really like and enjoy. So I arranged for childcare, purchased tickets online (when you pay $50 for a sitter, you don't take risks that tickets will sell out at the door!). The dinner got more crowded than I originally intended when one of my friends suggested combining groups. But I rolled with it, and figured my partner could handle it too (she can feel shy in big crowds, but I focused most of my attention on her). I also arranged (and made reservations) for a sma...

Apparently I'd invest it in healing centers and wellness communities. What a long trip it's been! About 5 years ago we decided we didn't want to rely on the stock market for our retirement... We'd watched 20k in money grow over the previous 10 years to a whopping 20k. Note, this was just the money we were putting in... we also have 401k and work retirements, but we're not confident they're doing much better. Since then, our little 20k nestegg had grown to 30k in 2008... at which point it lost 10k and returned to the original sum we'd invested back in the mid 90s. Pretty pathetic, and certainly not something we wanted to bet our future on. So what to do with our investment money -- not that we had much. [NOTE: if you're offended when people talk openly about money or sex, you may not want to read my blog. You definitely won't want to read this post, because I am about to do some very transparent reflection on our fiscal journey over the past ...

I hit a wall last week. I wish I could say it was figuratively. I really hit it... several times. Unfortunately there was a picture there, and the breaking glass cut up my knuckles a bit. It's so embarrassing. I haven't hit a wall in 35 years. Not that I haven't wanted to, but I've managed to restrain myself over the past few years when I've come close. But not last week. I just snapped. And then I got hold of myself, explained to my boy who had been in the other room that my hand was hurt and went into the bathroom to wash the blood off. I tried to call Nicole, but once again she had forgotten to take her phone, and that's when I totally broke down sobbing. It was so emblematic of how it's been for us for quite some time... not having the support I need, her not being there for me, me killing myself to provide a safe haven for my family and tend to the needs of my communities. And the picture I pounded and splattered my blood across.... a Maxfield ...

http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/20081208_hedges_best_brightest/

That's my life right now, it seems. Board out of my skull. Want to take a bath with me, Daddy? Sure. And all my lego toys. Ok. Sounds fun. Who do you want to be, the good guys or bad guys? I don't care (don't want to be either really) You're the bad guys. Vroom Board out of my fricken skull. Usually, it's a bath I was planning to enjoy that got appropriated. I can't stretch out in a bath with one 5 year old and 5 lego ships. I literally can't get my head or chest below the surface of the water. And so I freeze while we 'play' and I am both cold AND board! Want to play baseball? Ok (I hate baseball) Want to play football? Sure (I hate football) Want to play Go Fish I love Go Fish (right!) Want to go swimming? I actually do love swimming, but hell if I can swim while we're in the water together. Not and risk my kid drowning. Board out of my skull ad nausium. Sometimes I stare off into space in the middle of some game. Or while doing 'art...

Portland is known for being the most bike-friendly city in the country. And it's getting friendlier for bikes all the time, with nearly 12% of our population commuting by bike and a strong bike lobby working with the city to expand the network of bike-friendly streets. We happen to live on one of those streets, and I look out at the passing bikers with envy as they ride by throughout the day. I think what I envy most is a sense of luxury they seem to have that I do not.... the time and freedom to commute by bike. Of course, my skeptic says the 'time' problem is all in my head. If I simply did less, I'd have the time! But what would I give up... work? activism? sleep? family time? a social life? Part of selling our home and cutting our living expenses is so we will have more time.... so I am working on that piece of the equation. The other piece... the 'freedom'... refers to carting two kids around. They are just now learning to ride bikes safely on city streets....

I chose death last night. It was an exercise at a retreat called The Practice . In the first round, I had chosen to live, and thought I would again, but at the last minute realized that I may be a little too attached to living... by which I really mean to not suffering pain (the little deaths) and that has meant I don't fully live... I live safely, too safely. If I avoid death at the expense of living, perhaps it is better to be a bit more open to death. And so last night I chose to die in the game, and I was fine. I was fine.

You may have heard the saying "Don't believe everything you think." Just because we believe something (and give voice to it) doesn't mean it is true. It's a snapshot of where we are at in our process... it's the difference between a picture and a video. When I'm crabby and complaining about the world, I always remind myself that... it's just what is 'true' for me in that moment. If I write it down, I memorialize a moment that won't seem true when I read it later. I'm organic and in process. Even as I write, I say some things I don't fully believe. But I want to let them out, because I suspect others might resonate with those thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, they will point to needs that are real, needs all of us have (either met or unmet). On the other hand, everything I say is TRUE! By which I mean, taken in it's totality, the black and the white, the insights and the bitching, it's all real. Taken together, it...