We Live In Different Worlds

I feel powerless to help my friend.  I care about her so much, and she is suffering right now, but I live too far away to help.   It's only advice that she needs, and an ear, but we operate in such different context.  I don't know what to say!  I'm a pioneer exploring the new world of relationships, commitment, and fidelity.  And while I can't really know for sure, my friend still lives in the old world of monogamy-oriented relationships... what I think of as the 'ownership paradigm' of relationships.  

 

My friend is wondering how my sweetie and I managed to stay together for 20 years with the kinds of struggles she is now experiencing in her own relationship.  Her partner just isn't feeling physically attracted to her right now (not feeling 'in love' either) and hasn't for a while.  I've experienced that for long stretches of time.  I think many couples have.  Because of the disparity in our sexual interest, I've practically been trained NOT to be physically attracted to my mate.  The few times a year we do make love, I am totally turned on by her, and the rest of the time I'm turned off waiting for her subtle signals.  And that 'in love' feeling my friend is missing is very much a new-relationship experience that wears off for everyone.  I'm still in love with my sweetie, but it's a more mature, less compulsive and definitely more patient kind of love.   But that doesn't mean I've dealt with the same issues my friend has... because our relationships have evolved in entirely different context.  We never committed ourselves to a monogamous relationship.  We simply felt like that was too much of a handicap to put on a relationship we really wanted to survive.  Our experiences and approach to love and sex are different.  Yet, my sense of my friend is that she is fairly conservative (for a bisexual lesbian, anyway!), and that considering having a non-monogamous relationship might be too much for her.  

 

Irony of ironies.  Some of the people I’ve had the most difficult time sharing with are my gay friends.  Poly really is the 'new gay'.. more queer than queer.  While the debate has raged over whether being gay was genetic or learned, there really is no argument about whether monogamy is natural anymore...we all understand on some level that the truth is we are for the most part NOT wired to be monogamous.  Otherwise, it just wouldn't be an issue.  There would be no cheating.  No affairs.  No divorce.  Monogamy is simply a lifestyle choice reinforced by historical patterns and social myths about right and wrong.  There's nothing to argue about.  It's just scary for lots of people because it means people have to work harder, communicate more and not take each other for granted.  That's difficult when our lives are already busy and stressful enough.  

 

Frankly, the truth is that most of us really would like to just be able to take our partners for granted.  If we're willing to admit, that is.  Because then we don't have to worry about making sure they are happy too.   So much of our security is wrapped up in our partnerships.  We make that our anchor and focus on all the other stuff.  The reality is we have to nurture that too.  Our partners always have a choice. Our partner's body's are living and changing all the time.  Our partner's are drawn to other people sometimes.  Our partner's may be more or less wired for sexual connection than we are.  Our partner's happiness, vitality and stability require that we honor these differences.  And so it's important to let the relationships between us be organic too, to practice organic relationships that are ever-changing and always in flux.  It's not comfortable when we'd really like to just nail that part of our life down.  

 

Having come to understand this, I feel like Neo in "The Matrix" who chose the pill that allowed him to see the true essence of things.  How do I talk to my friend who is still in the matrix?  And perhaps even harder for me, how do I value her perspective as grounded and true as my own.