Stretching

My men's group started a weekly workout at the gym on Monday nights, and I've committed to join them for 3 months every week doing stretches, lifting weights, etc.  I can really feel it in my core!  In January, I started swimming and doing yoga every week.  Our trainer has encouaged us to work out at least 5 days a week, so I may be adding more to my routine!  

On Tuesday I started stretching in another way. I met with business coach, Carolyn Campbell, and got some insights into some ways I operate as a businessman, partner and lover! Carolyn saw a patterns of 'caretaking' in my work and relationships.  Taking care of others seemed to me a natural result of caring about them, but Carolyn pointed out how that may translate into some patterns that don't serve my deepest desires.  There is a difference betweem caretaking and helping others learn better skills for taking care for themselves and living more fully.  This took me several days to fully understand as I considered my callings in life and business (see  http://cultureseeds.com/about and http://cultureseeds.com/seeds for projects I've been involved in that fit the latter catergory.) At first I had the impression that I was caretaking EVERYONE.  That was a daunting thought.  Over the days that followed I saw more clearly where I was and was not caretaking others, and even where I had already started to move away from that pattern.

In my businesses, I have tended to swoop in and take care of things when they start to fall apart, rather than expect (or challenge) the people involved to get their act together.  I've done this with clients and with groups I've been apart of.  Caretaking doesn't honor the power of others or their commitment.  And when I need a break, I tend to disengage for awhile, rather than stay connected and state some boundaries around what will and won't work for me.  Carolyn encouraged me to call my business partners and clients to a more mutual relationhip -- where we are clear about our roles and responsibilities and each of us handles our own needs in those areas.  In looking at the business I have formed with others in the past couple of years, I am thankful to report those roles and responsibilities are much more clearly deliniated and manageable.  Indeed, my experiences of these businesses has prompted me to reorganize older ventures into a better model.  I still initiate projects, but am much less willing to do them if others aren't committed.  

After talking about caretaking in business, we looked at how I sometimes caretake others in my personal relationships...   particularly with my partner and lovers.  I 'caretake' others when I do not honor my own needs and desires in my effort to honor another person's needs or desires (it is possible to do both).  This hinders my desire for mutuallity and deeper more fulfilling relationships.   When I caretake, I'm not honoring their capacity to take care of themsleves.  I'm not honoring their power  -- even when I can see how strong they are.  Carolyn pointed out how caretaking doesn't honor the potential fullness of a relationship.and cheats others of a richer experience of who I am and what our relationship can be.  

In my relationship with my life partner, I see how caretaking her helps us be 'close' but can also hinder our intimacy because we lack 'mutuality' - that quality of both moving together through anything that comes up.  When I shield her needlessly from life experiences that make her uncomfortable I rob her of opportunities to grow and us of opportunities to grow closer.  We had a great conversation about this following my session with Carolyn, and my partner acknowledged that there are times when she appreciates that shielding... especially when she is stressed and has low energy. But she also sees how we are in a better place now (with our kids being older) to address areas of tension that arise.  We are not religious people, but I am a spiritual person and so I invited her to pray with me... to give voice to what we are grateful for and to speak our intentions and desires.. and it was a beautiful experience recognizing all the many things we are grateful for and praying together a vision for our relationship, businesses, family, friendships and lovers.  

As for my intimate friendships, I have one friend in particular I have grown increasingly fond of over the months we have gotten to know each other. She is a strong person with a beautiful heart, gentle wisdom and adventurous spirit. I dread to think that my caretaking may have kept us from going deeper in our relationship.    What I really want is to be in a place of fuller engagement and playfulness with her, and what I have found in the past is that I cut that path off so that I won't make her uncomfortable.  Again, I have given up a level of intimacy so that we can stay close.  So what does fuller engagement mean to me?  Carolyn challenged me to figure that out and to 'be greedy'... figuring out what I really wanted for me.  What it came down to more than anything else was wanting a deeper, richer, fuller, more playful connection.  And for me, at least, that means being less guarded.  And less concerned with protecting her from my attraction to her... something I thought I was doing out of concern for her energy. 

As with my partner, I wanted to let her know as soon as possible what was up for me, and I sought her out that very night.  More than anything else I was struck by the possibility that I hadn't been showing up for her fully.  And I wanted to rectify that.  I didn't want another day to go by with her under the illusion that having a deeper relationship with her didn't mean enough to me that I wasn't willing to challenge myself or her to explore how deep it could be.  She calls me 'one of her boys', and I sought to be clear that I was not asking her to choose between me and the other men in her life.  Indeed, I was not asking for more time with her.  Nor was I asking her to have a more sexual connection with me.  I simply want to enjoy the time and connection we already have more deeply.  I invited her to be open to the possibility that there may be a whole realm of convesation and connection that can happen for us if we relax our guards and open up a bit more to each other.

The hardest part of all this has been looking at myself and realizing how I have denied what I want in this relationship  (and others over the years) out of fear that she would find me lacking in some way.  Even to me that seems a singularly unattractive quality and unusually harsh for someone who genuinely feels positive about myself.  Reflecting upon it, something my mother once told me popped into my mind; when I was born, she had to go into back surgery right away and could not hold me for several days or pick me up for several weeks.  I wonder if that baby who was me learned some sad lessons about how desireable he was to those he wanted to connect with... in particular his mama.  He might have learned that the people he wanted to be close to didn't really want to be that close to him.... didn't want to pick him up or hold him... hard to explain to a baby that you actually are longing to pick him up and simply can't.   More than anything else, that may be my core wound to overcome.  

Rather than simply asking my friend to be open to connecting more deeply, and letting her choose, I have effectively told her I didn't want that deeper connection enough to really ask for it.  Instead, I was grateful she could 'handle' my attraction, and I assured her it was something I could contain.  That is not a message I want to send, mostly because it doesn't feel true for me.  It feels like I am hiding my spirited, big-hearted self.  My affection for her feels so powerful I can hardly contain it and it actually spills out of me in several ways including poetry...  which I have not written in years!  I want to shout out "this woman is amazing! And she has capured my heart." In the end, simply showing up completely was what I really wanted.  I didn't really need anything more from her but an openness to showing up more fully.  

Being real doesn't mean being selfish -- which was how I initially interpreted Carolyn's challenge to 'be greedy'.  I still care about my friend's capacity to manage her energy with all that she has going on, but I also don't assume I will automatically be a drain on her.  My experience has been that our time toghether is uplifting, fulfilling and even energizing on some level.  I assume that is why she enjoys hanging out with me too. We have so much we can give each other.   Please, Goddess, let it not be too late for her to hear that message.