Being Organic (.Net)

http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/20081208_hedges_best_brightest/

That's my life right now, it seems. Board out of my skull. Want to take a bath with me, Daddy? Sure. And all my lego toys. Ok. Sounds fun. Who do you want to be, the good guys or bad guys? I don't care (don't want to be either really) You're the bad guys. Vroom Board out of my fricken skull. Usually, it's a bath I was planning to enjoy that got appropriated. I can't stretch out in a bath with one 5 year old and 5 lego ships. I literally can't get my head or chest below the surface of the water. And so I freeze while we 'play' and I am both cold AND board! Want to play baseball? Ok (I hate baseball) Want to play football? Sure (I hate football) Want to play Go Fish I love Go Fish (right!) Want to go swimming? I actually do love swimming, but hell if I can swim while we're in the water together. Not and risk my kid drowning. Board out of my skull ad nausium. Sometimes I stare off into space in the middle of some game. Or while doing 'art...

Portland is known for being the most bike-friendly city in the country. And it's getting friendlier for bikes all the time, with nearly 12% of our population commuting by bike and a strong bike lobby working with the city to expand the network of bike-friendly streets. We happen to live on one of those streets, and I look out at the passing bikers with envy as they ride by throughout the day. I think what I envy most is a sense of luxury they seem to have that I do not.... the time and freedom to commute by bike. Of course, my skeptic says the 'time' problem is all in my head. If I simply did less, I'd have the time! But what would I give up... work? activism? sleep? family time? a social life? Part of selling our home and cutting our living expenses is so we will have more time.... so I am working on that piece of the equation. The other piece... the 'freedom'... refers to carting two kids around. They are just now learning to ride bikes safely on city streets....

I chose death last night. It was an exercise at a retreat called The Practice . In the first round, I had chosen to live, and thought I would again, but at the last minute realized that I may be a little too attached to living... by which I really mean to not suffering pain (the little deaths) and that has meant I don't fully live... I live safely, too safely. If I avoid death at the expense of living, perhaps it is better to be a bit more open to death. And so last night I chose to die in the game, and I was fine. I was fine.

You may have heard the saying "Don't believe everything you think." Just because we believe something (and give voice to it) doesn't mean it is true. It's a snapshot of where we are at in our process... it's the difference between a picture and a video. When I'm crabby and complaining about the world, I always remind myself that... it's just what is 'true' for me in that moment. If I write it down, I memorialize a moment that won't seem true when I read it later. I'm organic and in process. Even as I write, I say some things I don't fully believe. But I want to let them out, because I suspect others might resonate with those thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, they will point to needs that are real, needs all of us have (either met or unmet). On the other hand, everything I say is TRUE! By which I mean, taken in it's totality, the black and the white, the insights and the bitching, it's all real. Taken together, it...