Ping Pong with my Brain!
You ever get mislead then blamed for it? Like YOU did something wrong?
I set up an outing with friends last night and invited my sweetie along -- both to enjoy her company as well as introduce her to some of my other friends. This is something she has expressed interest in for awhile -- getting to know more of my friends. At first, I was just going out on my own with friends to have supper and see a show. Then I realized I really wanted to include her too and for her to meet some of the other people in my life I really like and enjoy.
So I arranged for childcare, purchased tickets online (when you pay $50 for a sitter, you don't take risks that tickets will sell out at the door!). The dinner got more crowded than I originally intended when one of my friends suggested combining groups. But I rolled with it, and figured my partner could handle it too (she can feel shy in big crowds, but I focused most of my attention on her). I also arranged (and made reservations) for a smaller group to hang out after the show -- at first just 4 of us (though I extended the invite privately to 3 other folks at dinner) -- so no more than 6 or 7 max. I thought it would be a nice way for folks to get to know each other and discuss the play.
After the show, however, my partner was feeling tired and like she should go home and rest. My other friends, who I'd invited to hang out afterward, didn't really know each other so I was the thread that held the group together. I felt awkward going on without her, but she appeared to be quite understanding and encouraging of me staying with the original plan and arranging an alternative ride home for myself. I would be home in about 90 minutes... She'd likely be asleep by then anyway, since that was why she was heading home.
Unfortunately, what my partner did not say was that she really wanted me to go home with her to discuss the play and snuggle down. She went out to the car, only to return a few minutes later to let me know what was really going on for her -- and she was apparently upset that I did not intuit that myself (after all this time, I still cannot read her mind). At which point I was a bit confused and irritated, having set this evening up with friends and then being pulled away abruptly after confirming that I would still go on with the group. I took her home, and when I got the whole story, I was angry that she did not tell me what she really wanted in the first place but instead seemed to encourage me to do the opposite!
I don't know if you have ever had that kind of experience, but I felt like a ping pong ball being batted back and forth, and I did not appreciate it. While at first, I thought she was being supportive of my need not to leave my friends in the lurch, apparently she didn't care about my needs or their discomfort. She really wanted me to tune into her needs. To be fair, she probably felt torn, like a part of her wanted to go out, a part of her wanted to take care of herself (get rest), a part of her wanted to support me going out (support my need not to abandon my friends) and a part of her wanted me to come home (and wanted me to intuitively know that and support her).
I felt awkward leaving my friends abruptly after just confirming I would continue on with them. And irritated at how it was handled. While I had been assuming she was acting reasonably under the circumstances, she apparently was really just waiting for me to figure out what was really going on for her. Yet she hadn't given me enough information about where she was at for me do that. And when it all came down, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.
And somehow... somehow it was my fault. Even now, after having a somewhat heated discussion about how it all played out, even now somehow it was still all my fault. Apparently, I really need to take those mind-reading classes.
I set up an outing with friends last night and invited my sweetie along -- both to enjoy her company as well as introduce her to some of my other friends. This is something she has expressed interest in for awhile -- getting to know more of my friends. At first, I was just going out on my own with friends to have supper and see a show. Then I realized I really wanted to include her too and for her to meet some of the other people in my life I really like and enjoy.
So I arranged for childcare, purchased tickets online (when you pay $50 for a sitter, you don't take risks that tickets will sell out at the door!). The dinner got more crowded than I originally intended when one of my friends suggested combining groups. But I rolled with it, and figured my partner could handle it too (she can feel shy in big crowds, but I focused most of my attention on her). I also arranged (and made reservations) for a smaller group to hang out after the show -- at first just 4 of us (though I extended the invite privately to 3 other folks at dinner) -- so no more than 6 or 7 max. I thought it would be a nice way for folks to get to know each other and discuss the play.
After the show, however, my partner was feeling tired and like she should go home and rest. My other friends, who I'd invited to hang out afterward, didn't really know each other so I was the thread that held the group together. I felt awkward going on without her, but she appeared to be quite understanding and encouraging of me staying with the original plan and arranging an alternative ride home for myself. I would be home in about 90 minutes... She'd likely be asleep by then anyway, since that was why she was heading home.
Unfortunately, what my partner did not say was that she really wanted me to go home with her to discuss the play and snuggle down. She went out to the car, only to return a few minutes later to let me know what was really going on for her -- and she was apparently upset that I did not intuit that myself (after all this time, I still cannot read her mind). At which point I was a bit confused and irritated, having set this evening up with friends and then being pulled away abruptly after confirming that I would still go on with the group. I took her home, and when I got the whole story, I was angry that she did not tell me what she really wanted in the first place but instead seemed to encourage me to do the opposite!
I don't know if you have ever had that kind of experience, but I felt like a ping pong ball being batted back and forth, and I did not appreciate it. While at first, I thought she was being supportive of my need not to leave my friends in the lurch, apparently she didn't care about my needs or their discomfort. She really wanted me to tune into her needs. To be fair, she probably felt torn, like a part of her wanted to go out, a part of her wanted to take care of herself (get rest), a part of her wanted to support me going out (support my need not to abandon my friends) and a part of her wanted me to come home (and wanted me to intuitively know that and support her).
I felt awkward leaving my friends abruptly after just confirming I would continue on with them. And irritated at how it was handled. While I had been assuming she was acting reasonably under the circumstances, she apparently was really just waiting for me to figure out what was really going on for her. Yet she hadn't given me enough information about where she was at for me do that. And when it all came down, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.
And somehow... somehow it was my fault. Even now, after having a somewhat heated discussion about how it all played out, even now somehow it was still all my fault. Apparently, I really need to take those mind-reading classes.
I have calmed down a bit more since blogging on this. Here is part of an email I wrote to my friends apologizing for abandoning them last night:
ReplyDelete...Thanks for joining us last night. Nicole enjoyed meeting you. I would have liked to hang out more and felt bad about the last-minute change of plans. I know Nicole would have liked to been able to stay out longer too.
She was feeling like she needed to rest (which she said when she encouraged me to go out anyway). Unfortunately, what she did not say was that she really wanted me to go home with her to discuss the play and snuggle down. And she was upset when I did not intuit that (after all this time, I still cannot read her mind) which was why she came back to share what was really going on for her and ask me to join her.
At that point I was confused and a bit irritated, feeling responsible for arranging the evening with friends and then getting mixed messages about how to proceed. I could sense she was upset -- which was why I went, and when I got the whole story, I was angry that she had not simply told me what she really wanted in the first place. I felt like a ping pong ball being batted back and forth, or like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I also felt awkward about leaving you guys so hastily, and I hoped none of you felt like it had anything to do with you!
I have been breathing into it this morning, seeking to bring light and love and compassion to my experience and understanding of that unfolding. Ultimately, I am sure Nicole felt torn, like a part of her wanted to go out, a part of her wanted to take care of herself (get rest), a part of her wanted to support me going out (support my need not to abandon my friends) and a part of her wanted me to come home (and wanted me to intuitively know that and support her).
She and I have had a good (admittedly heated at times) conversation about it last night, and we made up quite sweetly afterward. However, I also want to be completely transparent with you about what was happening with us, so that you are not left feeling confused or think it had anything to do with you...