Board out of my frickin' skull
That's my life right now, it seems.
Board out of my skull.
Want to take a bath with me, Daddy?
Sure.
And all my lego toys.
Ok. Sounds fun.
Who do you want to be, the good guys or bad guys?
I don't care (don't want to be either really)
You're the bad guys.
Vroom
Board out of my fricken skull.
Usually, it's a bath I was planning to enjoy that got appropriated. I can't stretch out in a bath with one 5 year old and 5 lego ships. I literally can't get my head or chest below the surface of the water. And so I freeze while we 'play' and I am both cold AND board!
Want to play baseball?
Ok (I hate baseball)
Want to play football?
Sure (I hate football)
Want to play Go Fish
I love Go Fish (right!)
Want to go swimming?
I actually do love swimming,
but hell if I can swim while we're in the water together.
Not and risk my kid drowning.
Board out of my skull ad nausium. Sometimes I stare off into space in the middle of some game. Or while doing 'art' that amounts to criss-crossing squiggly lines. I focus on doing art I enjoy.. until my boy wants to 'help' me with it. When I space out, my kids wonder where I've gone.... they know I'm not all there.
I hate looking forward to the day I actually enjoy doing things with them! Makes me think I'm not cut out to be a dad. Makes me want to cry. It's not my fault I'm not into things that 5 year olds love. It's really not. I try to get "into" whatever it is... chess without rules, tag where I allow myself to get caught and can't quite catch my kids and just agree when they are so proud because they can run faster than me. You're awesome, I say. And they are. They really are.
Their bodies and brains are growing. It's just MY brain that atrophies. I feel chained down, with this huge amount of creative energy all bottled up. I've developed a nervous tick. It's embarrassing. But it's only around my family. When I go away, I can breath again. When they go away, I can breath again. So I welcome the respites, as much as I love them. I have to get away sometimes... for my sanity. So I can be everything I really want to be for them. A fuller person. A fuller breath of life. Someone who can be present when we play.
Sometime they notice my tick, and they wonder if I'm okay. Ya, I'm ok, I say. What can I say? I'm angry.. mad as hell at our culture and hungering for the support of villages or extended families. Not too sure I'd want that latter really... unless I could choose my extended family, but then families that can be chosen can un-choose. They don't really work that way. I'm okay, I say, I'm fine. Even if I feel like I'm dying inside. What else can I say? It's not them. They are not driving me nuts. I choose to stay. I choose to love them again each day because I do, because I can't help myself when it comes to loving my children.
My kids are sensitive. They know I'm lying. My real message when I lie is that when things are not okay we all must pretend they are. I hate sending that message. That kills me inside too! How trapped I feel. Because I know we are doing something wrong. We've structured it all wrong. We don't know any different; it's what's been given to us. But deep down we know. On some level below our everyday knowing, we know. Our villages have been destroyed and we are refugees in this 'modern' age... this perversion, this blasphemy we call "convenience" and "freedom." Indoctrinated to think freedom is being able to have what we want, the truth eludes us... that true freedom is not wanting at all... true happiness is wanting what we have.
My wife understands. She is a goddess, both calm and wise. I think she must feel it a little too sometimes, though she seems more cut out for this work. I hate to seem genderist, but most moms I know do seem better acclimated to it. Not all. No, not all. I know one mom who maintains a steady low-grade high to stave off a constantly encroaching depression. Reminds me of 'mommy's little helper' in the era of Ward and June... a bottle of liqueur always at the ready. I can appreciate drugs in ceremony that brings us together, but when we reach for them to numb the pain of our disconnection, perhaps we ought to be looking at how we can be more connected instead. Our society isn't structured that way, but that just means our job is to change that... if we wish to leave something better for our children, we mush change that.
What compounds the problem, in my case and for many parents I know, is the lack of sexual connection that happens when children are around. While this is typically an aggravating factor for both men and women, it doesn't seem to affect my partner so much. She can do without. As long as she gets a regular workout at the gym, and a quickie in once a month, she's good. For me, sex IS exercise. For me, the idea of forgoing sex 355 days a year feels like death; I would walk around a ghost in this skin while the wanting of this world to connect and be alive burns in my groin til I am driven from my home to find some outlet and connection with other. Sometimes fitting myself into my partnership feels like squeezing into the front seat of our Toyota Tercel after my wife has driven it. She moves the seat up so far that when I try to fit myself in there, I can't take full breaths. Thank goddess we have an open relationship, or our relationship would have perished long ago. And while my aggrieved brain at times thinks that may have been the better road, my children lay on this path and it is this path I am committed to. For they have called me from the void to be their father, for reasons that surely make sense in the perfect unfolding of the universe. In truth, they are not MY kids... as if they belonged to me. Rather, I belong to them. But I cannot serve them without relent. I must get away to recharge. And so my partner let's me go, does not call me back, gives me my head to find some connection (or at least some stimulation) out in the wider world, to connect with my friends, to give to the world by creating a network of nurturing, playful, supportive connections... a tribe of people that support me in this new world without villages.
How many men have left their families for lack of nurturing physical connection. Studies I have come across on occasion about men with desire and drive (that surely describes me) show that most don't make it with one person, and end up leaving their partners. That is not a life I ever wanted. And while I have felt the call of the wild, deep down I suspect that 'freedom' is illusory. And certainly, I know there are fathers who have left their families because they were driven nuts; they couldn't take the changes that children bring. I feel for those men and their children... if only they had the connection and support they needed... I want to bring back villages for them too, or at least for their children so the cycle does not repeat.
I LOVE my kids. Mother Nature knew what she was doing. She wrapped my heart around my balls, and chained me down with this love that is stronger than any other I have ever felt - the love of a parent for his child. Thank the goddess for that! And so I seek to listen to her when she speaks to me, as she often does, though the sensations and mentations of my body. Seek to be attentive... to understand.. to follow her leadings. How grateful I am for my tribe that has been the support I have needed to give all I have to my family over the years. And how I long for a village that could be even more present and supportive in my everyday life. This then is a calling still unanswered, the restoration of urban villages, and one I want to pursue both personally and culturally. My allies are legion. I'll get it, I will, but first I need to go back and play with my kids.
Board out of my skull.
Want to take a bath with me, Daddy?
Sure.
And all my lego toys.
Ok. Sounds fun.
Who do you want to be, the good guys or bad guys?
I don't care (don't want to be either really)
You're the bad guys.
Vroom
Board out of my fricken skull.
Usually, it's a bath I was planning to enjoy that got appropriated. I can't stretch out in a bath with one 5 year old and 5 lego ships. I literally can't get my head or chest below the surface of the water. And so I freeze while we 'play' and I am both cold AND board!
Want to play baseball?
Ok (I hate baseball)
Want to play football?
Sure (I hate football)
Want to play Go Fish
I love Go Fish (right!)
Want to go swimming?
I actually do love swimming,
but hell if I can swim while we're in the water together.
Not and risk my kid drowning.
Board out of my skull ad nausium. Sometimes I stare off into space in the middle of some game. Or while doing 'art' that amounts to criss-crossing squiggly lines. I focus on doing art I enjoy.. until my boy wants to 'help' me with it. When I space out, my kids wonder where I've gone.... they know I'm not all there.
I hate looking forward to the day I actually enjoy doing things with them! Makes me think I'm not cut out to be a dad. Makes me want to cry. It's not my fault I'm not into things that 5 year olds love. It's really not. I try to get "into" whatever it is... chess without rules, tag where I allow myself to get caught and can't quite catch my kids and just agree when they are so proud because they can run faster than me. You're awesome, I say. And they are. They really are.
Their bodies and brains are growing. It's just MY brain that atrophies. I feel chained down, with this huge amount of creative energy all bottled up. I've developed a nervous tick. It's embarrassing. But it's only around my family. When I go away, I can breath again. When they go away, I can breath again. So I welcome the respites, as much as I love them. I have to get away sometimes... for my sanity. So I can be everything I really want to be for them. A fuller person. A fuller breath of life. Someone who can be present when we play.
Sometime they notice my tick, and they wonder if I'm okay. Ya, I'm ok, I say. What can I say? I'm angry.. mad as hell at our culture and hungering for the support of villages or extended families. Not too sure I'd want that latter really... unless I could choose my extended family, but then families that can be chosen can un-choose. They don't really work that way. I'm okay, I say, I'm fine. Even if I feel like I'm dying inside. What else can I say? It's not them. They are not driving me nuts. I choose to stay. I choose to love them again each day because I do, because I can't help myself when it comes to loving my children.
My kids are sensitive. They know I'm lying. My real message when I lie is that when things are not okay we all must pretend they are. I hate sending that message. That kills me inside too! How trapped I feel. Because I know we are doing something wrong. We've structured it all wrong. We don't know any different; it's what's been given to us. But deep down we know. On some level below our everyday knowing, we know. Our villages have been destroyed and we are refugees in this 'modern' age... this perversion, this blasphemy we call "convenience" and "freedom." Indoctrinated to think freedom is being able to have what we want, the truth eludes us... that true freedom is not wanting at all... true happiness is wanting what we have.
My wife understands. She is a goddess, both calm and wise. I think she must feel it a little too sometimes, though she seems more cut out for this work. I hate to seem genderist, but most moms I know do seem better acclimated to it. Not all. No, not all. I know one mom who maintains a steady low-grade high to stave off a constantly encroaching depression. Reminds me of 'mommy's little helper' in the era of Ward and June... a bottle of liqueur always at the ready. I can appreciate drugs in ceremony that brings us together, but when we reach for them to numb the pain of our disconnection, perhaps we ought to be looking at how we can be more connected instead. Our society isn't structured that way, but that just means our job is to change that... if we wish to leave something better for our children, we mush change that.
What compounds the problem, in my case and for many parents I know, is the lack of sexual connection that happens when children are around. While this is typically an aggravating factor for both men and women, it doesn't seem to affect my partner so much. She can do without. As long as she gets a regular workout at the gym, and a quickie in once a month, she's good. For me, sex IS exercise. For me, the idea of forgoing sex 355 days a year feels like death; I would walk around a ghost in this skin while the wanting of this world to connect and be alive burns in my groin til I am driven from my home to find some outlet and connection with other. Sometimes fitting myself into my partnership feels like squeezing into the front seat of our Toyota Tercel after my wife has driven it. She moves the seat up so far that when I try to fit myself in there, I can't take full breaths. Thank goddess we have an open relationship, or our relationship would have perished long ago. And while my aggrieved brain at times thinks that may have been the better road, my children lay on this path and it is this path I am committed to. For they have called me from the void to be their father, for reasons that surely make sense in the perfect unfolding of the universe. In truth, they are not MY kids... as if they belonged to me. Rather, I belong to them. But I cannot serve them without relent. I must get away to recharge. And so my partner let's me go, does not call me back, gives me my head to find some connection (or at least some stimulation) out in the wider world, to connect with my friends, to give to the world by creating a network of nurturing, playful, supportive connections... a tribe of people that support me in this new world without villages.
How many men have left their families for lack of nurturing physical connection. Studies I have come across on occasion about men with desire and drive (that surely describes me) show that most don't make it with one person, and end up leaving their partners. That is not a life I ever wanted. And while I have felt the call of the wild, deep down I suspect that 'freedom' is illusory. And certainly, I know there are fathers who have left their families because they were driven nuts; they couldn't take the changes that children bring. I feel for those men and their children... if only they had the connection and support they needed... I want to bring back villages for them too, or at least for their children so the cycle does not repeat.
I LOVE my kids. Mother Nature knew what she was doing. She wrapped my heart around my balls, and chained me down with this love that is stronger than any other I have ever felt - the love of a parent for his child. Thank the goddess for that! And so I seek to listen to her when she speaks to me, as she often does, though the sensations and mentations of my body. Seek to be attentive... to understand.. to follow her leadings. How grateful I am for my tribe that has been the support I have needed to give all I have to my family over the years. And how I long for a village that could be even more present and supportive in my everyday life. This then is a calling still unanswered, the restoration of urban villages, and one I want to pursue both personally and culturally. My allies are legion. I'll get it, I will, but first I need to go back and play with my kids.
Ah, being a dad.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your description of the challenges and the struggle with being with them and feeling alive.
What an important struggle.
Years ago because of many injuries and years of weight lifting, I started doing yoga. It was humbling...okay is humbling. For me it is a constant struggle with ego - how can I be doing this better, why do I suck so much, why does this hurt so much.
But, as the years have gone by, I have gained an appreciation of my body and my practice. I now find that going to beginners classes is massively challenging. My learning (which I do apply to parenting) is what can I learn from the simple, basics, beginning stages.
You talk about the traps that we are in here in the US. It strikes me that the people who are not yet trapped in that are our kids. What can we learn from them? How can we get wrapped up in their joy and presence and creativity and imagination?
As a dad, these are the questions that I ask myself and take on as my challenge while playing in the bathtub, coloring, doing hamma beads. I always listen to see what I can learn from the simplicity of my kids world.
Playing Huge.
morgan
www.playhugecoaching.blogspot.com
I adore you for your honesty. There is no need at all to judge yourself on this one. I JUST had this conversation with my mother, I explained that I would most likely be adopting older children, like age 10 so we could be more on the same page and they could already be potty trained, lol.
ReplyDeleteWe're just a different breed Papa Bear, but you know what? You're kids love you for it. And you unlike most parents might get a real kick out of the teenage years. You are already serving them by being you;) And by being there...
Wow what a honest series of emotions expressed in your last posting. The trappings of everyday life and parenthood are real. The tough keep going, figure how to improve the situation, grow and learn while the weak leave their kids - simply stated.
ReplyDeleteI have witnessed a marriage over the holiday completely deteriorate because the father thought it would be okay to leave his family so he could get his head on straight and go after his carnal desires. What is up with that? Sacrificing the kids well being for your own selfishness. Grow up.
He has an obligation to the little ones he created with his partner and has the responsibility to work it out while in the relationship regardless of how bad it sucks! Take a break get your head on straight but don't leave the kids. They will be affected forever and ultimately model your behavior later in their lives.
I only had the opportunity to speak with the mother of the kids, but if I could talk directly to him I'd say "you have to dig deep on this one and find the energy and the courage to make this work. You have something that so many others wish they had and you're throwing this away because you can't figure out how to deal with life's complications - get a grip! The kids come first and you have to be the adult here in this situation and sacrifice for their well being and growth."
We dads have a commitment that requires us to fulfill once we make babies. You loose certain choices once you procreate. Step up and follow through with the commitment.
Your kids will sense your love and commitment and will be better for it. Do the right thing and dig deep, figure it out and make it work.
Thanks Klem. I appreciate your words. I'm a big believer in commitment and committed partnership... that's for sure. But some days... some days I feel so beat. I know.. we all do.. even our partners. For all I know, more than me!
ReplyDeletePS: As for feeling beat, make sure to read my next post... Hitting a Wall... :-(
ReplyDelete